


Somewhat damaged

by Cthultystka



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, But they try, Dark fic, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Genderbending, Lots of drama, M/M, Mental Instability, Mentions of Rape, Odin's god of bad parenting, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Thor's an asshole, Tons of drama, Tony's an asshole, and to be fair Loki's also an asshole, fem!Loki, long fic, mentions of abuse, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2018-12-02 23:06:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11519394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cthultystka/pseuds/Cthultystka
Summary: A bit of an alternative story in which I'll try to imagine what would Loki do if he found a better reason to live than ruling the world.The action takes place about a year after Thor: The Dark World and Winter Soldier and is not compliant with the ending of T: TDW.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> This is my first fanfiction in the MCU and the first thing I wrote in english (it's not my first language). Therefore I apologize for the mistakes and welcome all criticism. Either way, I hope you enjoy it (at leats a little).
> 
> Many thanks to CaerOLaine for being my beta.

“Guys, I found something”, excited voice made it through the earpieces. “Over there!”

The red and gold arrow pierced the darkening sky and the Avengers turned their snow scooters to follow it. Soon they exited the forest and found themselves on a small clearing with a shallow basin in the center. Iron Man was leaning on a tree near the edge, fully suited, but with a raised faceplate.

“It's a fucking mass grave, I don't know how many are there... must be dozens... Oh God.”

“You ok?”, Steve asked, standing by him and putting arm on his shoulder while Natasha and Clint entered the basin to get a closer look. Bruce stayed on his scooter, there was not much he could do.

“Yeah, I'll be fine... It's just... There's so many of them... I never though... It's a fucking horror story, right there...”

“Tony,” Nat's voice broke through his rambling.

“Yeah?”

“These are deers.”

“What?”

“Deers, reindeers, elks, mooses...”

“This one looks like a bear”, said Clint, holding a mean looking skull.

“What?!”

“These are animal bones, Tony.”

“So... it's not Hydra?”, he asked unable to hide his disappointment. 

Widow shook her head.

“Probably the dumping ground for one of local tribes.”

“They even used flint arrows”, said Clint, now holding something that looked like the sternum and pointing to a dark spot in its center. “Who the hell uses flint arrows in twenty first century? Anyway, pretty sure Hydra has more advanced technology on hand...”

Tony cursed, earning disapproving look from the Cap, but he was too tired to notice or care anymore. They've been here, in the middle of frozen nowhere, for almost two weeks: after Natasha found in a leaked Hydra documents mentions of some remote Siberian base somehow connected to the Winter Soldier Project, they decided to find it at all cost. Unfortunately, the documents weren't very specific about the location and lovely Siberian weather made aerial reconnaissance impossible. All they knew was that it was located somewhere in Sakha Republic, which could as well mean a freaking Arendelle, as far as Tony was concerned. At first they made their base in Yakutsk, leaving it every day for seemingly never-ending taiga, exploring dozens of old mines and bunkers, all long abandoned. Finally they packed as much as they could on their scooters and headed out north. Two days later, Tony was ready to give up.

“Ok, guys, let's face it: we're never gonna find those fuckers...”

“Tony...”

“Oh, please, Cap, they're like, the only people on this planet fully deserving such name.”

“It's not about them.”

“Well, there's no kids around to be demoralized, so I don't see the point. What I see is that you don't see MY point and that is FAR more important.”

“They are here somewhere.”

“But we're not gonna find them like that!”

“Then what do you suggest?”

“Let's wait till summer. Or at least until this fucking blizzard ends. So yeah, probably till summer. Then we can make a proper aerial reconnaissance, find these assholes and just nuke them. Preferably from California.”

“By then they may be long gone”, said Widow, who came up to them no one knows when, like sneaky little sneak she was. At least Thor had the decency to make a loud thump when he landed. He spent most of the time in the air, scouting the area with Iron Man, but he rarely spoke since they arrived at Siberia. He seemed to dislike cold as much as Tony – something to do with the old enmity, he said, whatever the hell that meant.

“Gone where?” whined Tony, unable to keep his desperation in check. He was cold, sore from wearing his suit twenty four seven and all sticky inside. Natural conditions made it impossible to shower, shave or even shit properly without wind blasting between his buttocks. “No sane person leaves their compound in that weather!”

“Tony, you can go home if you want,” said Steve. Tony looked at him, but behind thick fur cap, snow goggles and jacket collar he could barely see Captain's face. “I... I have to keep going.”

Tony sighed.

“I'm not leaving you Cap. I know how much it means to you. It's just... this whole ordeal seems more pointless by the hour. And I'm freezing my balls off, seriously, why can't we come back in summer...”

“You,” Clint pointed at him accusingly, “are freezing your balls off? YOU are in a freaking super-suit and you complain about freezing?!”

“What? It's not airtight, and certainly not blizzard-proof...”

“It can withstand space vacuum and the depths of the ocean but it can't withstand a blizzard?”

“Besides it's not like I can wear it all the time...”, Tony continued, clearly ignoring Clint’s remark.

“You sleep in the suit. You piss in the suit! Go water the bushes and THEN tell me about freezing your balls off! Hey, wanna trade that for my jacket? Because I sure as hell wanna trade.”

“You are not getting into my suit. It's covered in piss. I don't even have time to empty the bottle, provided it didn't froze.”

“I thought you are drinking it,” mentioned Widow offhandedly.

“I don't. I mean, I could, it's filtered and fully drinkable if that's what you mean, but it's still gross. Unless I'm really desperate I would pretty much prefer to drink regular water, thanks.”

“So why the hell did you even install the filter?”

“I dunno.” He shrugged. “Because I could?”

“Guys,” Captain's voice brought them back to the topic. “I know how it looks. And I meant it Tony, if you want to go home, go home. I understand. But I have to keep going.”

Tony sighed again. Deep inside he knew it would end like this, and he knew he couldn't leave Cap, not again, not after what happened... Partially because of him. Still... They were a team. Time to start acting like one for a change.

“And spend the rest of my life looking for your frozen remains like my father did? Fine, let's go.”

With these words he closed his faceplate and darted up.

“Can you see anything from up there?”, he heard the Cap's voice ringing inside his helmet.

“Let's see... There are trees, some trees, a bit more trees and-a... Holy shit!”

“What?”

“Stark!”

“There's light. Around two miles north. If you hurry you can reach it before dusk.”

Great joke, it was already getting dark. Tony looked at the clock. Three pm. Fucking great.

“Can you get there and see exactly what are we dealing with?”

“Sure thing. It seems small though. Too small for a Hydra base”.

“Could be just an entrance. Keep safe distance.”

“Sure mom. Anything else?”

He didn't get the answers, so he flew towards the light. He tried to focus the sensors on it, but with little success. Visuals were crap due to never ending snow, infrared showed a small and solitary patch of warmth – around thirty feet square, not more, but details were hard to get. Some signs of Foster-Stark radiation – the one he and Jane Foster “discovered” at Bifrost contact sites – but no other. Interesting...

When he got closer he saw what looked like an old town, probably mining one. Broken machinery and crumbling houses were barely visible from beneath the thick cap of snow, but there was a light seeping through the windows of one of them and it looked like someone cleared the path leading from doors to the forest. He made a few circles around the area, but there were no other signs of life.

“You go inside”, he heard the booming voice from the speakers. “I shall continue our search”.

“Sure?”

He knew Thor was more resilient than any of them – in his stories he often traveled for days with no rest, but that could be just boasting. Still, he hated idleness, even more than cold and Tony believed he wanted to get out of there as much as any of them.

“The sooner we find them, the sooner we get back. And I can scout greater area when I won't have to worry about your whereabouts. But you can rest. I'll let you know if I find something”.

“All right.”

He darted down, just in time to meet the rest of the team at the door of the inhabited house.

“It's the only sign of life in half-mile radius. Thor said he'd keep searching, but we can rest if we want to.”

“Any idea who could live in a place like this?” Steve looked at the Widow, who shook her head.

“Well, I guess only one way to find out,” Tony spoke as he approached the door and banged before anyone could stop him. Initially there was no answer, but he felt a light tickling at the back of his neck. An experienced soldier or assassin would say it's like being at a crosshair, but Tony was neither so it just made him uneasy, though he couldn't tell why. He waited whole five seconds before trying again.

“Hello?” he shouted. “Anyone there? Speaking English?”

“Otkryt”, he heard Nat's voice from behind. "My Swoi.”

"Too late for that,” Steve murmured through the speakers.

Tony was about to knock for third time when the door opened. At first the wave of heat and light blinded him for a second, but when it passed, he managed to make out the tall and dark figure standing in the doorway. He lifted faceplate to get a better look and momentarily felt like the biggest winner of a cosmic lottery. That's how Robert Ballard must have felt when he found a Titanic. Or Walton and Cockcroft when they split atom. “There's a life on Mars”, sang David Bowie in his head.

It was a woman and the most marvelous at that. Not his usual, sexy blond fare, but something much more than that. Freakishly tall, with long, supple limbs and the most delicious curves that couldn't be obscured even by the heavy leather outfit that looked like it was stitched together by someone with very vague idea of sewing and clothing in general. Her face was pale, with bright green eyes and noble features that seemed eerily familiar, though he couldn't figure out why. The image was completed by a dark hair pulled back to a intricate braid.

“Uh, hi,” he managed to say when he finally regained his ability to speak. "I'm Tony Stark. Do you, uh, speak English?”

“I do”, she said with a soft, low voice woven from pure sex, even though her tone was completely flat and impassive. What stroke him though was her accent – cultured, British, oddly contrasting with her savage appearance.

“Cool. We're, uh... on a mission here.” He could almost image Steve rolling his eyes under the goggles. "A bit lost, frozen to the bone. Any chance you've got a spare room?”

For a while she didn't answer, her face blank and lips pressed together. She could have fuller lips, come to think about it. Or at least used some lipstick, since their colour was almost identical to her complexion. Still, she was spectacular. Tony saw his share of beautiful women in his life, but she... she was special. He felt that if there was any blood in his body that hasn't turned to ice was now traveling south at embarrassing speed.

“Please, come in”, she said finally moving out of the way and opening the door a bit wider. Tony happily obliged, feeling others doing the same.

The inside of the house... Wasn't what he expected. This was the whole patch of heat he detected earlier, around thirty square feet, with walls, floor and the ceiling covered in deer hide and only small windows left on each wall – except for the one opposite the entrance, which could adjoin rest of the house. The only furnishing consisted of an old wooden table and a bench in the center. An ancient looking cast iron oven on the left with a pot of something bubbling over fire and a stack of wood drying on the side. And the smell. It took him a while to regain his senses, but when he did he almost regretted it. The mixed scents of leather, wood, smoke, blood and... something cooking? Nope, forget it, he didn't regret it at all. As long as he didn't have to eat another dry ration.

"There are other rooms in the house, but only this one is insulated,” said the woman, clearing the table from some pieces of leather and primitively looking tools and gesturing them towards the bench. Tony opened the suit and stepped out, stretching muscles contracted for too long in a tight space, while the others removed their jackets, caps and goggles. "You can stay here, make yourself comfortable. I'll take the next room.”

"No, please,” Steve opposed, the gentleman he was. ”You stay here. We have tents and sleeping bags, we could be sleeping outside. But we appreciate a solid roof above our heads, miss...”

She was silent for a minute, with a thoughtful look on her face.

"Ingen,” she said finally with a visible struggle.

“Or, Ingen”, said Tony, getting closer with his most suggestive smile “I could accompany you to the next room. I'm sure between the two of us we would keep it pretty ho-o-t...” the last word turned into a howl as Natasha grabbed his ear and dragged him to the bench, rolling her eyes.

“Ignore him, he's in relationship,” she said, sitting him next to herself, when Bruce blocked him from the other side.

"Ingen,” Steve decided to step in, pretending the previous scene never happened. It was either that or dying of embarrassment, Tony thought. “I'm Steve Rogers...”

"I know who you are”, she spat with unexpected hostility. But the aggression dissolved as quickly as it appeared, and her face became emotionless once again. "Please, forgive me. I... don't deal with many people here.”

"It's all right.” The soldier shook his head, but he still looked a bit surprised. "So I presume you live here by yourself?”

"I prefer it that way.”

"Are you not afraid?”

"There's nothing for me to be afraid of. People don't come here and animals I can deal with.”

"I see.”

"With this one?” That was Clint, pointing to a bow hanging from the hooks next to the entrance. It was a composite bow, rather historically looking one and that was all Tony could say about it. It didn't look like any of Clint's, rather like something that belonged in a museum. There was also an rusty bucket with a handful of arrows standing beneath it.

"Yes. I use it to get food,” she said simply, grabbing a big steel pot from behind the oven.

"So, is that dumping ground to the south all yours?”

"Yes. Why?”

" Just wondering... did you take out the bear with that?”

"No, of course not. I took it with a knife,” she said with a wry smile and headed to the exit. Clint gave her a look of utter respect that Tony have never seen him giving.

"Where are you going?” Steve asked.

"To get some snow. That's the only way we can get water here.”

"Please,” Steve jumped up and reached for the pot she was carrying. "Let me...” But she leaped away, hissing like a snake.

"Don't touch me!”

Cap froze, but she calmed as quickly as previously and handed him the pot, bowing her head and pressing lips together, visibly embarrassed by her outburst and equally determined not to show it. "My apologies”

Steve took it, carefully not to touch the woman's hand and made his way outside to get some snow, but he kept an eye on her until the doors closed behind him.

"So there's no running water here?”, asked Natasha. She crossed her arms on the counter top and was carefully eying Ingen. Her face was blank, but in that specific way that Tony quickly learned to recognize. It meant trouble.

"No. And the toilet is outside, to the left and behind the corner.”

"What about electricity?”

"Not that I know of.”

"So no television, radio, Internet?”

"No, there's nothing here anymore. No people or their inventions. Just... what I make.”

"And yet you know who we are.”

Ingen slumped a little, pressing her lips even tighter and glancing at Black Widow with a barely visible mix of aversion and uncertainty. Tony momentarily felt sorry for her. Sure, she was a bit weird, feral, possibly crazy... Living at the end of the world all by herself. Sure there was something wrong here and even he wasn't so blinded that he didn't notice. But still, being weird wasn't a crime and if Widow wanted to question her there were surely more gentle ways to do this. Acting like asshole rarely yielded desirable outcomes. He would knew, he did it all the time.

He started opening his mouth to defend her, but she spoke first.

"I wasn't always living like this.”

"So what made you come here?”

"People.”

"The fact that there aren't any?”

Ingen laughed a dry laugh, completely devoid of amusement.

“I have my reasons to avoid company. I'm not obliged to share it. What are you doing here? Don't you have a world to save somewhere? Or you came here expecting to find a danger requiring your immediate attention?”

“We're on a mission.” Widow's voice sounded arrogant, almost daring and it was pretty obvious she wasn't going to say anything more on topic.

“And you're not obliged to share it?”

“We're looking for a Hydra's base,” blurted Tony. He got tired of this charade. It must've be the loneliness, he thought. She lived here alone for so long that she couldn't remember how to talk to people anymore and she didn't know what to expect since seriously, what sane person could ever get as far away from everything? But he knew that with a bit of time he could get her to relax a little, make this tension disappear from her movement and anxiety from her eyes. Maybe even make her smile...

Meanwhile, she was looking at him with a cocked head and impenetrable gaze.

“Then you're looking in the wrong place. No hydra could survive in this climate.”

“Pardon?”

“They're reptiles, Stark, they need heat. Cold would kill them faster than any of your weapons. So even if there was a hydra in here, it would long be dead by now. There's no point searching for it, unless you're looking for something to hang on your wall. But they don't make for a very impressive trophy, if you ask me.”

“Hydra is... a terrorist organization. Not an actual animal.”

“Oh.”

“And you're trying to tell me that there is an actual animal named hydra?”

“Well, yes of course. But I haven't seen them on Midgard in centuries. Few could slip during the Convergence though, but they wouldn't survive in that weather anyway.”

“O-okay, that explains a lot”, he murmured, although it didn't. In fact, like a hypothetical hydra's head, for each question that she answered, two other arose, but he didn't feel like exploring the subject, not yet. Something told him that Ingen would break him in half if he pressed too hard for why she left Asgard – or some other realm with unspeakable name – for a run-down hut in the middle of nowhere. And now he knew she would have no trouble doing so. Luckily, Steve came back and put a pot filled with snow on a stove. Scout boy. Ingen used the distraction to escape their gazes and questions and turned to the other pot already boiling. She stirred it with a big wooden spoon and gave it a taste. Delicious smell arose in the air and Tony felt his stomach twisting into a tight knot.

“Any chance for a taste test?” he asked trying to sound amiably, but he wasn't sure if it worked. He wanted food. Now. Ingen just hummed and furrowed her brows.

“I can't give you that. I spiced it with some herbs and I don't know how they would work for you.”

“And how do they work for you?”

“Ease my pain.”

“Are you in pain?” Tony felt Bruce tensing at his side. “Are you sick or injured?”

She shook her hear and smiled joylessly.

“No, it's... something else. Not something you can fix.”

“You should be careful with self medication.”

“I know what I'm doing.”

“It's not just you that could be affected.”

She tensed, then turned slowly and gave him a very ominous look. For the second time this evening Tony felt like he saw her somewhere, but this time he had even less idea about when and where it could be. Now she looked furious though, with eyes burning like emerald stars. The wooden spoon cracked in her hand, but she didn't seem to notice.

“I think it's not your matter to be concerned about,” she hissed and Bruce raised his hands in a surrendering gesture.

“Sorry, I didn't want to be... intrusive.”

“Then don't be!”

Tony wasn't really sure what was that about. He sent Bruce a questioning look, but his buddy only shook his head. Not now. He looked around: Nat also knew, Clint just realized and only Steve seemed to be as perplexed as himself.

Ingen didn't say anything else, just turned back to stove, squatted and opened the oven to reach inside and pull the metal tray with a lovely smelling piece of meat – with her bare hands, even though fire licked her skin, leaving absolutely no mark. She put the tray on the table then an intricate dagger appear in her hand – it looked like she pulled it out of thin air – and started to cut the meat.

“What is that?”, Tony asked, feeling his mouth watering. It smelled delicious and had that lovely char over beautifully pink flesh suggesting a perfectly done roast.

“A deer heart,” she responded and a bitter smile graced her lips for a moment just to disappear again and Tony wasn’t entirely sure if he hadn’t imagined it. Could be a trick of light. “A feast fit for warriors. And you'll probably survive eating it”.

“Oh.” He felt the enthusiasm seeping from him like air from a pierced balloon. “Don't you have a rib-eye or something?” And then he felt Widow's elbow in his ribs, in the exactly the best spot to make it hurt the most. “Ow! I didn't mean to be ungrateful! Just not a fan of an offal... But ok, heart it is. Thank you.”

“I'll get the plates,” offered Steve and went outside for their baggage. Right. It didn't look like Ingen had a crockery set hidden under the hides.

“I can make you a drink with pine needles when the water boils” she said, skillfully portioning the meat. ”But I'm afraid I can't get you anything else. Nothing grows here at this time of year.”

Tony whined a little, but only in his head. He never thought he would miss a salad, but after a couple of days of living on dry rations – bags of assorted powders and unidentified bits that needed only a dash of hot water to turn into a complete and nutritious meals – he was ready to kill for something that was made this year. Or century. But yeah, he couldn't really imagine anything growing here either. For a while he pondered how did she survived on a meat-only diet, but then he remembered that she wasn't really human.

When Steve brought metal plates from their baggage, she distributed the meat and handed them their portion. Unfortunately, with Steve back there was barely enough room on the bench for the team – not to mention their host. Of course Cap was ready to stand, but Ingen dismissed his offer with a wave of hand and took an exceptionally large stump from the pile next to the stove and sat on it. She didn't save any meat for herself though, contenting herself with a cup of thick broth.

The heart wasn't that bad, though certainly not Tony's usual fare. It was surprisingly tender and flavored with some exotic spices that nearly killed the taste of the offal, so that was a plus. Or maybe he was just so desperate for fresh food that he didn't mind. Whatever.

“So,” Bruce spoke after a long silence broken only by a clanging of forks against plates. “Are you an Asgardian?”

“Something like that,” she said wryly. “I arrived at your realm during the Convergence, got stranded here after that.”

"Couldn't you ask that all-seeing guy, Heimdall, to take you back?,” asked Tony.

She shrugged.

"I'm not really eager to go back there. Why, do you have problems with me staying here?”

“Well, we did have a problems with certain Asgardian asshole,” Clint blurted but he was cut short, probably by someone's elbow.

“He wasn't really an Asgardian,” she said, eying him carefully.

“Huh. You seem to know a lot.” Clint decided to return the look, but after a while he was forced to surrender.

“That's kinda my thing. Knowing more than everyone else in the room.”

“So you are a goddess of wisdom?” asked Tony, deciding to ignore the insult and change the course of conversation before everyone else could object. She snorted.

“We're not real gods. Though many centuries ago I was worshiped not far from here. Until men with crosses came and burned everything to the ground.”

“Sorry about that.”

“Not your fault.”

“Still, I'm sure there are more hospitable places on Earth. You could go to California and restart your cult.”

“I kind of like it here.”

“Because there are no people to bother you?” slipped Natasha. Ingen responded with a spiteful smile.

“Exactly.”

“You know, not all people are bad,” countered Tony.

“Only the ones I have misfortune of meeting?”

“Well... I'm here.”

“My point still stands.”

“Whaaat? Shit, thanks, that's really...”

“Shut up, Stark.” This time it was Clint who elbowed him “She's right, you are terrible.”

“I don't understand,” said Steve, furrowing his brows. “If you detest company this much, why did you even opened the door for us?”

“Hospitality is the law older than gods and even I'm not wretched enough to break it. Fear not, Captain, I won't attempt to poison you or slit your throat when you sleep. You are as safe here as you can be. Besides, you wouldn't leave me anyway.”

“I think it would be better if we go now.”

She gave him adverse look.

“Stay. Can you hear this noise outside? It's Odin's Hunt. Of course, it's not really Odin anymore. They are just the souls of people who died away from home. Old man used to collect them and send to Valhalla, but he barely leaves his palace these days, so they wander aimlessly, snatching everyone they can to join them. And trust me, you do not want to join them. So better stay indoors.”

“Uh, I think it's just blizzard...” Tony looked around and from what he could gather everyone seemed to agree with him.

“Not so long ago you also thought Asgard to be a land of myth.”

“Except there are people coming from there and messing our shit. I've yet to see evil spirit trying to snatch me.”

“Go outside then. Just don't say I didn't warn you.”

“Actually, I think I prefer to stay. But not because of the Hunt.” He gave her his most suggestive look, earning another elbow to the ribs.

“Okay, we leave tomorrow morning,” said Cap.

“Or we could keep you company and prove that we are not as bad as you think us to be.”

The concerto of exasperated sighs, groans and curses arose around him, but honestly, if he ever cared about such things he wouldn't have slept with half the women he did and would probably die in shame before graduating. It was his boldness that brought him success so many times before and that he always counted on in situations like this. Only after he saw Ingen sinking, turning her head away with a silent resignation in her eyes she didn't want him to see and lips pressed together he realized what a mistake he made.

“Will you stop pestering me if I give you what you want?”

Tony felt like he was punched in the guts. It was... not how he wanted this conversation to go. Not at all. But before he regained his ability to speak, Widow cut him short:

“You don't have to humor him. Or pay any attention to what he's saying.”

“I don't mind.” Ingen smiled, but it was a small, joyless smile of someone beaten to the ground, someone with no tears left to cry and no breath to howl. “One more or less... doesn't make any difference...”

Ohshitohshitohshit, nonononono, that wasn't supposed to happen. How could he not notice?! Her aversion to people, to being touched... It was so obvious now. Great job Tony, you really topped yourself this time.

“Ingen.” It was Bruce, with his kindest, most gentle voice and Tony briefly wondered how many women like her he's met in the dark shitholes he frequented. On the bright side, he probably knew what to do to. “Did... someone hurt you?”

“What do you care?” She stood sharply and shifted away from the table, away from them.

“We do. That's all we do: we care for people, we help them...”

“But only if they are right kind of people.” She spat, but her eyes were blank, like she was looking at another place, another time... Another people. “For someone like me you wouldn't even flinch.”

Bruce made a sound like he wanted to protest, but she didn't listen, just gawked at the table with a hand tightening on a handle of a dagger, that magically appeared again in her hand.

“No, someone like me must manipulate, cheat and lie to get people to do what we want, what we need them to do... And end up being hated for it. But that's all right, I hate them too. Bloody heroes...”

And then she deflated: a small, defeated woman and Tony felt a strong urge to walk to her and hug her and tell that everything was going be all right, that he would protect her no matter what and that she would never have to manipulate him or lie to him because he would do anything she wanted. He didn't do that though: she would probably stab him.

“You are wrong.” It was Cap this time, face tensed and eyes determined. “We protect everyone that needs protection. And avenge those we couldn't protect. If you at least tell us who did this we will make sure he's brought to justice.”

She just smiled the same defeated smile that before and shook her head.

“And what would that do? You can't help me now. And he... He's a great warrior and pride of his family. Who am I to take it from him?”

“Sounds more like a piece of scum to me,” Tony finally regained the ability to talk. Not that he felt any better though. Fucking asshole.

“Does that matter? I want nothing from him. He means nothing... It's just... a past I want to be left behind.”

“It's your choice if you want to pursue him or not. But if you do, we would help to make sure no one else has to go through the same that you did.”

“No one will. He wanted me in particular.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, dear captain, I am sure. He wanted me, he got me. Now he can go back to his normal, boring life, probably to a wife his family choose for him.”

“Violent tendencies don't tend to go away like that,” slipped Tony. “Even now that you're gone, he will probably find someone else he wants.”

“Anyway, I think you should come with us,” said Bruce, still softly, but a bit more stern this time.

“No!” She darted away again, rising her armed hand in a protective gesture.

“I think it would be better for you.”

“You think!” she howled. “And who gave you the right to think so?! You know nothing of me! Of what happened, what has been done! You can't help me and I will not suffer your pathetic attempts! I know what fate awaits me there. And I'm not going with you unless you chain me up!”

“We're not gonna chain you, Ingen, we're just trying to help you,” repeated Cap.

“If you want to help me then take your rest then finish you business here and leave. And forget you ever saw me.”

“Ingen...”

“Please,” Her voice broke off and for a moment Tony thought he saw a tear rolling down her cheek. “Just leave me be.”

Steve wanted to answer, but the loud banging to the door interrupted him. Tony felt the same tickling sensation at the back of his neck as before and saw Ingen's eyes widening with fear. Steve, who was closest to the door came to open them and let Thor in.

He looked almost like Yeti, wrapped in furs and covered in snow and in any other situation Tony would find his appearance hilarious. Thor stepped in, taking his goggles off, but stopped mid-step when he noticed Ingen, who by now looked completely terrified. Then, before any of them had a chance to introduce them he rushed towards the woman and pulled her to a bear hug. For a moment Tony saw Ingen squirming, before he heard a cry, more of a shock than a pain and the two separated, Thor with a hand pressed to his side, with blood gushing between his fingers and Ingen running to a far corner, with eyes mad with fear and a dagger pointed at the Thunderer – no: at them all.

Thor looked at her with an expression of a kicked puppy and uncomprehending gaze.

“Loki”, he wailed and Tony felt as if the ground escaped from beneath his feet. And then came the fury: heavy, rapid, burning. He didn't think when his fingers reached to the band around his wrist; he stood kicking back the bench and let the suit wrap around him. Clint and Natasha were fast enough to stand up, but Bruce followed the bench and landed on the floor cursing. Right now though Tony didn't care. All he could think of was Loki, that damn trickster and a liar! Inviting them in, feeding, coddling into a false security and lying, lying, LYING!

“Don't touch me!” scowled Ingen/Loki, waving her dagger, now pathetically small and underpowered in a room full of heroes. Bringing a knife to a superhero fight? How cute. “Don't come near me!”

“Well, Frank-N-Furter, seems like you are coming with us after all,” said Tony, warming his repulsors. He thought Loki may be smart enough to give up, but inside... He really didn't want this to happen.

"I'm not going anywhere!”

"You think?” Tony lifted his hand and aimed the repulsor at Loki, but Natasha grabbed his wrist.

"Think about it, Loki,” she said looking her/him in the eyes. “You can survive a fight with us. But are you sure your child will?”

"Child?” Steve looked at Nat, as did everyone else, but she just rolled her eyes.

"Open your eyes, Steve”

Tony looked back at Loki, who now wrapped her free hand protectively around the abdomen, the other one still aimed at them. Holy shit...

"And what choice do I have? To raise him in a dungeon, like a mole, to never see the light of day, to never breathe the real air? Or let them take him and suffer the same abuse I have? No. No!You won't take him from me, I won't let you” the last word turned into moan as a painful spasm twisted her face and she fell to her knee. Natasha rushed forward, but Loki just lifted her dagger.

"Don't come near me!”, she screamed, but then she gave a different sound, something between a cry and a moan. Natasha caught her just before her body hit the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Avengers learn the truths they weren't prepared for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments. This chapter took a while to write but forever to fix. I finally managed to make it worth publishing (I think?) and I hope you'll like it.
> 
> Fair warning, there's a lot of talking in this chapter. Talking about rape, talking about torture, talking about depression and suicide, talking about prejudices and talking about abuse. There's also some profanity. So yeah, consider yourselves warned.

They gathered in the next room, leaving Loki on a pile of furs that looked like a makeshift bed, with Bruce and Natasha running their best attempt at medical check-up. Their host was right: it was a dirthole with broken windows and piles of snow gathering below. It was still used though, judging from the bloodied table in the center and a half-flayed deer hanging from the ceiling.

“Are you ok?” asked Steve turning to Thor, who still looked bemused by what had happen. The god shook his head. His side stopped bleeding now, but he was reluctant to leave his brot... sibling and they almost had to force him out of the room.

“I'll heal,” he responded and went silent after that.

Well, thought Tony, so much for an easy part of a conversation. They desperately needed to talk... But judging from dragging silence, none of them even knew where to start. And seriously, where could they start? With Loki being alive? Loki being a woman? Loki inviting them to his (her) house, feeding them, warning about evil spirits? Were there even evil spirits? Or was it all part of some sinister plot to lull them and slice their throats when they slept? Was there really something like hospitality laws in Asgard? Would Loki, being Loki, even respect them? What the hell was happening?!

“So... is that really Loki?” Steve's voice finally broke through the uncomfortable silence. Thor's lips twitched in something resembling a joyless smile, but his eyes held nothing but pain. He propped himself against the table, suddenly hunched, like a thousand years of his life suddenly fell on him.

“Yes, it's Loki,” he said wearily. “Although in female form.”

“How is that possible?”

“Loki is a shapeshifter and a very skilled one at that. He can be a man, a woman... anything he wants.”

“Geez... and Tony had the hots for him.”

It was Clint, grinning like a maniac and Tony felt the sudden urge to shoot the birdbrain in the face, but the Thor's painful smile told him that it was not a great time for fighting.

“There was a time when I wished nothing more for Loki than to settle down with an honorable man by her side, alas now I fear it may be too late...”

“Uhm, sorry man, but no. I don't dig a crazy, murderous, gender-bending maniac, thank you very much...”

“And I don't think Tony would be up to it. I mean, no offense, but most of the time he's the one who needs nanny...”

Tony pouted, but the archer just winked at him. Stark couldn't really blame him though: humor was always their favorite way to deal with messed up situations and this... this was more than anyone could be prepared for. Even Thor didn't seem to mind, still lost in his thoughts, and they would probably go on if Captain hadn't grow tired of their banter and got them back on topic.

“Did you know that Loki's alive?” he asked. Thunderer shook his head. 

“I thought he died on Svartalfheim. But we've never found his body and I thought... I hoped...” A bitter smile twisted his lips for a moment before disappearing again. His eyes remained blank though, as if locked on faraway Realm that none of them could reach. “That he might be still alive... That he might have tricked me once again... Even if to come back to kill me later.”

“And your all-seeing creep never noticed anything?” mumbled Tony, crossing his arms. Yeah, he heard about Heimdall and although as the youngest member of Stark family he was in a public eye since he was born and forwent all sense of shame long ago, he still hated the sheer idea of... this. Because even he had moments when he just wanted to be alone. When he would shut the door right in the paparazzi's faces, turn off the phone, lock himself in his workshop... and still have some supernatural asshole watching him from another realm. Shit.

“No. Loki must have learned how to hide from Heimdall's gaze. Those like him usually shine like stars across the realms.”

“Any idea what he... she might be doing here?” nudged Steve sending Tony a warning glance, apparently not eager to let them turn this conversation into a joke again.

Thor shook his head again.

“She said she got stranded after The Convergence,” Tony recalled.

“Possibly. I know nothing of the way she uses to travel betwixt the Realms.”

“And I guess you have no idea who could be a happy father?”

“No.”

“But... he was... a man when he came to Earth, right?”

Steve's voice seemed a bit awkward and Tony wondered if it was because of the thought that they were fighting a female Loki before. For him it didn't matter. Man or woman, they were just defending themselves. And they had to defeat Loki, there wasn't really any other way. Well, maybe they would be more gentle if they knew. But then again, that could as well have spelled their doom, so maybe it was better this way? Thor didn't seem to share Steve's doubts: sure, he was concerned for his brother, but when it became clear that Loki wouldn't listen to reason, big man didn't hesitate. But maybe now it did make him feel a little bit guilty, not that he would admit it, because when he answered, the only thing clear in his voice was exasperation.

“I don't know, Steve, we don't do cavity search in Asgard. He could be a man, a woman or something completely different.”

“You mean, like an inter-sex?”

Upon hearing this Thor winced and there was something in his face that Tony didn't like. Something he never saw before in his friend, especially not in the context of his supposedly beloved brother, something wrong. Almost like... disgust?

“Loki always had... a taste for the uncanny,” Thunderer said cautiously and now Tony was almost certain. Though he really, really didn't want to be.

“I see,” he said dryly, because seriously, he couldn't come with anything better just yet. He needed to hear more before making the call. Fortunately, the Thunderer delivered.

“We tried to make him decide who he wanted to be, but Loki... was never the one to be tamed.”

“Oh...”

Oh yes, Tony felt like he was starting to get the idea. An image of a small (well, compared to Thor), queer kid, too different to be accepted even by those who called themselves his family. He could almost feel the isolation, loneliness, hopelessness, slowly rising, boiling, turning to hatred. Thor said that Loki turned against him for no reason - but there was always a reason, sometimes just harder to accept. And if Tony was right, it must have grown inside Loki for a long time... before it seethed.

“Couldn't you just, you know, let him be who he was?” he said cautiously. “ There's no harm in being different, you know?”

“We did it for his own good.”

“No, it doesn't work like that. You can't fix people, flay them into shape, especially if there's nothing wrong with them in the first place. No one can live and be really happy if he's not true to himself, you know? You can try to change them as much as you want, but you will fail and it will come back to bite you in the ass one day. People should be loved for who they are, Thor. Or at least accepted.”

“It wasn't just about him, Tony.” Thor sighed and for a while Tony almost felt sorry for him. Almost. Yeah, they were buddies, Thor was great to have him at your side but he acted like a douchebag sometimes and it didn't really bother Tony because he acted like a douchebag himself, so as long as they stayed together... But now it seemed like Thor's douchiness was a bit deeper than he always thought. And a bit more than he could accept, especially after hearing the next part. “People were talking, laughing at him. He brought shame on our family.”

“Then you should defend him.”

“I was!”

“No, you weren't. You were trying to fix him!”

“For his own good!”

“You just said that it was for his family. Which, if I got this right, wasn't even his real family. I don't really get it: if he was such a disgrace and he wasn't even Odin's real kid, why did he keep him? Why didn't he just tell the truth and let him go to find a better place?”

“Loki was never unwelcomed in Asgard.”

“He wasn't accepted there either.”

“He was my brother and son of Odin!” Thor screamed, pushing himself away from the bench. Some part of Tony wanted to howl in desperation. It was like banging his head against the wall. Yeah, he knew his friend, despite all of his virtues, was rather thick... Tony just didn't understand how much.

“Tony.” Thunderer's voice softened as he looked firmly at Tony and crossed his arms. “I loved Loki, no matter who he was or what he's done. I still do...”

“Sure, you just hate everything about him,” Stark quipped before he could bite on his own tongue. But at the same time he understood that Thor was right. He did care, just... didn't know how to show it. They were just too different - what was a sign of affection to Thor could be hurtful to Loki and vice versa. And if everyone around them was more like Thunderer, which seemed to be the case judging from the stories he told, then he didn't really have any sort of reference. It wasn't just Thor, it was... everyone versus Loki, one sad lonely kid who just couldn't fit in, no matter how much he tried.

Fortunately, Thor didn't get a chance to reply as the door to the room opened, letting Bruce in. He looked equal parts tired and hesitant, with slumped arms, hands hidden in the pockets and face of a dog that was kicked by his beloved owner. It was clear he would prefer to be literally anywhere else.

“How is she?” asked Tony, gladly embracing the chance to change the subject.

“Breathing is steady, heart rate faster than normal for a human, but slower than Thor's, body temperature slightly lower than human, no visible injuries, no bleeding or any other discharge. No sign of scurvy.”

“Scurvy?” Cap frowned, but Bruce only shrugged, trying hard not to look at any of them.

“She's been eating mostly meat for... God knows how long, that's the first thing I could think of.”

“And the fainting?”

Another shrug.

“Could be just a stress,” doc proposed cautiously. He didn't sound convinced, but Steve either didn't notice it or choose to ignore, judging by his next question.

“So... she's fine?”

Bruce sighted again and crossed his arms.

“I'd say she is... If it was only about her.”

Tony and Clint cursed almost unanimously, Cap only frowned. Thor seemed unfazed, but closer inspection could reveal a tightening of his jaw and clenching of fists.

“So she really is... pregnant?” asked Cap.

“Yeah, about halfway through. And honestly? We have to take her to a hospital, get all the tests done. USG, blood test, I don't know what else. But even then, I'm not sure if the results would mean anything to us since she's not even a human being. The results may be all over the place and it may be completely normal... or not. We wouldn't know. So she needs to see someone from Asgard.”

“Aye.” Thor nodded. “I shall take her home as soon as she regains consciousness.”

“Hold on a sec,” Tony stopped him. “How long does the pregnancy last for your people?” 

Thor didn't answer straight away, but when he did his voice sound dark and his face looked gloomy. He probably knew.

“Around three earthly years.”

“So...” started Cap, but didn't dare to finish, afraid of saying what they were all thinking.

“It happened in Asgard.” Tony came to the rescue. The sooner it's over, the better.

Thor's face darkened even more and his fists clenched.

“Impossible,” he growled. “Loki was separated from other prisoners and she had no visitors.”

“So, you put her in isolation? Like, permanently?”

“Yes, father thought it would be too dangerous to keep her with others. She would probably try to manipulate them to start a riot or at least cover her own escape. What does it matter?”

“Uh... Isolation... tends to do a strange things to person's mind... ”

“So what?”

“So, even if she wasn't crazy before, and I'm not saying she was-!” He almost screamed the last part, rising his hands in a placating gesture when he saw a lightning in Thor's eyes. “Then she probably is now. After what, a year and a half in a cell? And another year in here? Yeah, totally Loco. No pun intended. Sorry, but your sibling may be gone...”

“It could be a guard,” suggested Bruce, putting an end to Tony's rambling and preventing Thor from reacting. Yeah, well, retroactively speaking, it probably wasn't a great idea to suggest Loki's mental issues now that everyone was on edge.

“No Asgardian would do such a thing,” opposed Thor. “We are honorable people.”

“That's what she said,” slipped Tony, unable to stop himself. Seriously, fuck the baddies, his own tongue is gonna get him killed one day. It was too late to go back though, so he might as well just let it roll. “That he was an honorable man, a pride to his family.” Saying that he felt his stomach turning. Honorable, his ass.

But it was all fitting, really. The Great Court of Asgard, full of great, honorable warriors in shiny golden armors and heads so far up their asses that they could almost see through their own mouths. People like those would never allow any stain on their reputation... to be seen. For them it was always easier to pretend such things never happened. And iron out all of the... defects.

All of the misfits.

“Don't speak about matters you know nothing about.” Thor huffed crossing his arms. “Besides, in the past many people underestimated Loki and paid dearly. These days, no one would dare to attack him alone.”

“Could be more than one,” added Bruce.

“No, it couldn't!”

“Then what do you think happened, Thor?” Tony couldn't stop himself, he was shouting now, unable to take any more of this shit. It was Thor's brother for fuck's sake! Was his friend really so damn blind or just so desperate to maintain the stellar reputation of his people?! And which was worse? Tony was almost too afraid to ask. “He came to Earth and was ravaged by a mere mortal? Or rather a frigging reindeer considering where we are?!”

“Calm yourself, friend, or you will be calmed,” Thor responded with sinister steadiness. “I know not what happened to my sibling, but if she was ravished as you suggest, she wouldn't let the child to grow.”

“What do you mean?” asked Bruce frowning. 

“Women is Asgard don't get pregnant if they don't want to.”

“How so?”

“I don't know, Bruce, I'm not a woman!”

“So, perhaps they just take some pills that shift the chemistry in their bodies...”

“No pills are necessary.”

Bruce let out the exasperated sigh. Tony wasn't sure what to make of it. It did sound a bit strange... But they were aliens-gods-whatevers. They were far superior to mortals, there was no doubt about that. They lived longer, they could mold iron in their bare hands like a play-doh and drink the whole content of Tony's bar. Who's to say what their woman could or couldn't do with their ladies' parts?

“Well... No offense, Thor, but I think it's best if we ask Loki when she wakes up...”

“Ask what you want, she'll tell you the same!”

“You still hadn't provided the alternative explanation,” threw in Tony. “If it wasn't Asgardian guard, then who?”

“I don't know, Tony. But it could happen here. Loki has a way with people. And the fact that no one is here now doesn't mean it was always like that.”

“But you said yourself that it must've happen about one and half year ago.”

“Maybe her child is growing faster? She's not really an Asgardian. And her other children were fast growers too.”

“Wait, Loki has other children?”

“Had.” Thor bowed his head and pressed his lips together, like he felt he said too much. He still decided to continue though, now with a little bit of hesitation in his voice. “He sired two sons with his wife, Sigyn. But they died long ago and your people turned it into a pretty nasty myth. He's a bit sore about that, so you better not mention it. I shouldn't mention it either...”

“Uhm, ok...”

“All right, we'll limit ourselves to ask about his current child then,” decided Bruce. “When she wakes up. And is there any chance we can get some Asgardian doctor or a healer to come to Earth and check on her?”

Thor huffed.

“Yes, I shall speak to Eir about it. But...”

“What?”

“Our father will have to know about this.”

“Well, tell him.” Tony tried to sound daring, but he wasn't sure how he managed. But he had a feeling where this conversation was going and he didn't like it. And he was right. Why was he always right?

“And he may want to have Loki back in Asgard,” grumbled Thor confirming Tony's fears.

“He can't have him. Her.” Thor was opening his mouth, but Tony didn't let him speak. “Last time we let you take him home and she got pregnant, almost killed and then escaped. It's pretty clear that you're not capable of keeping him. That's why he... she's staying here. And that's not debatable.”

“To be fair,” slipped Bruce. “I think she was just faking her death to get away from Thor, she was never in a real danger.”

“I fear our father may insist,” said Thunderer, but Tony wasn't taking it.

“Well, that he may. But his authority doesn't reach here.”

“Huh.”Thor sent him a puzzled look, but his lips twitched in something resembling a smile. “You should watch your tongue before objecting All-Father. He had people sentenced for less.”

“That says more about him than me.”

“Tony, just shut the fuck up.” Clint sighed exasperated. “Despite your personal opinion, the last thing we need now is a war with Asgard.”

“I wouldn't let that happened, friend. And I will speak with father about Loki and her... special needs.”

“Cool. Then we can go and try to wake the lady up, have a little chat.”

“The weather quietened down, we can call a quintjet. I think I'll go and try to find some nice landing spot.”

Clint tried to sound nonchalant and in any other case he would succeed. But they knew each other all too well and they all though that archer clearly didn't feel ready to confront his nemesis yet. No one commented on it though, Steve just nodded and Clint got out through the broken window.

“I better go after him,” murmured Thor. “I've met some malicious spirits before I came here.”

“Wait. “Tony stopped mid step and turned to god. “So there really are evil spirits around there?”

“Aye.” Big man nodded. “We used to call them 'Odin's Hunt'. I banished some of them away, but there may be others. I better check.” 

God fucking dammit. Tony shook his head. What the hell was happening with this world? But his line of thoughts was quickly broken when Bruce opened the door to the other room and let out an annoyed huff. Tony looked above his shoulder and cursed. Nat was lying motionlessly on Loki's bed and the Trickster himself was nowhere to be seen. Fucking bastard.

“She's alive,” said Bruce after jumping to assassin and quickly checking her vitals. “Nat, can you hear me? Nat, wake up.”

Tony went to his suit still standing in the corner then detached the helmet and put it on.

“Jarv, do you have a signal?” he asked not even trying to hide an annoyance.

“Yes, sir.” Hearing the familiar voice coming from the speaker instantly made him feel a bit better. “Moving north-west with approximate speed thirty miles per hour.”

Asshole's fast, Tony thought. But not fast enough.

“I put a tracker under her shirt,” he explained upon meeting Steve's questioning gaze. “I thought it may be a good idea, she already tricked us before. I'll go grab her.” 

Then he turned his back to a suit and let it wrap around his body. If helmet made him feel better, the whole suit... completed him. He instantly felt warm, safe and powerful. All of his problems, Loki's tricks and Thor's stupidity alike dissolved, drowned in blue light of the screen. He was in his element. He could rule the world.

He went through the door and into the dark. Although technically the suit should shield him from adverse environment, he could swear he felt a wave of cold air on his skin. At least blizzard was over. It was a pitch-black though, so he switched to night vision and darted up. He couldn't see Loki at first, but he could still follow a signal. The only problem was... that he passed the area where Loki was supposed to be and didn't see shit. He switched to infrared and immediately located a small figure, barely warmer than surroundings and moving faster than a freaking Roadrunner. He lifted his palm and aimed, but then hesitated. He couldn't really shoot her in the face, risking that at least part of the beam will hit her stomach. Shooting her back and letting her fall face-first didn't seem like a good idea either. So he scaled back and made the only thing that was left to do.

The explosion shook the forest and sent a geyser of snow with enough force to knock Loki on her side. Tony landed few feet away, close enough to keep her in check and far enough not to seem threatening. Or so he hoped. When she saw him she tried to get up, but the soft snow couldn't give her enough support and she fell again. And then just started crawling away from him. Tony felt the ice-cold claws clenching around his chest. He saw similar scenes many times in his life. In freaking horror movies. But somehow he never pictured himself as a villain. 

“Loki.” He came closer, just one step really and tried to squat. It wasn't easy in his suit, so he ended up falling to one knee. Whatever, he just didn't want to talk to her standing up, that could make her feel threatened. Something to do with position of power or something. He couldn't really remember. He also lifted his faceplate and tried to sound calming and reassuring, but he had no idea how it came out. He wasn't good at it, dammit. He wasn't a “people's person”, he could only speak with robots and assholes. Bruce should be here, he would make anyone trust him before finishing first sentence. Even the ones that knew his true nature. “Calm down. We're not trying to hurt you.”

“Go to Hell!” she spat and tried to kick him, but the snow made her movement erratic and he easily dodged.

“I'm trying to help you, you stubborn ass!”

“I don't need your help! I was fine... Perfectly fine... Until you showed up!”

“Oh, really?” he replied leaning back and letting her move away a bit. He didn't blame her, not really. She had all the reasons to expect the worst of him. Except he was a hero and he liked to think about himself as a good man, not some freaking horror monster. Still, so far they only met on a battlefield and that didn't really end well for her. What reason had she to expect a different outcome this time? Still, this was annoying. And a bit offensive, to be honest. “Ok then. But tell me, how many children did you bore?”

The question apparently was enough to take her off balance, because she stopped thrashing and just stared at him. And that was it, now he just needed to grab his chance before she regained her senses. 

“Or at least have seen being born. And how many of those births were in a middle of the freaking nowhere? With no person alive in hundred mile radius? You may think you're safe, but tell me... will you know what to do when the time comes? And if something goes wrong? If your child gets stuck? If you won't be able to push it out? If it gets stranded in umbilical cord? If you pass out in the middle of it? There are thousand things that can go wrong during childbirth. You may die. Both of you. Have you thought of that?”

At times like this he really didn't want to act like asshole, he really didn't. But it seemed like it didn't matter, judging by the tears rolling down Loki's checks. And still all he could think of was how beautiful and fragile she looked and how much he wanted to be her man, her knight in shiny armor. To hold her, surround in a warm embrace and whisper in her ear that everything's gonna be all tight, that he will protect her, no matter what and...

(And fuck her.)

“Look, I know how you feel,” he said, trying to shook those thoughts out of his head. “I mean, I don't exactly, but I can imagine. But I swear, we are not trying to hurt you or your child. We just want to make sure you are both safe. Really safe. In a better condition than now. Ok?”

Loki bowed her head and went silent for a moment. It took Tony a while to realize that she was trying to hide her tears. When she finally spoke, her voice almost wasn't trembling.

“You're not letting me go, are you?”

“No. But it's for your own good. And you're gonna thank me for it later.”

She didn't answer, but she slumped a little and for a moment he thought that he had this under control. And then she lifted her head and for the first time during this talk he could look her in the eyes. And they were beautiful. Green and bright like emerald stars, and big, as big as the whole universe. Suddenly, he felt... tired. And heavy. If he could think he would probably suspect something wrong with his suit, since it sure felt like half a ton of titanium and chromium alloy suddenly lost all support and fell on his shoulders. But his mind was clouded. It was a long day, he was on his feet for most of it and he just needed... to lay down a moment. Yes. His head felt so heavy. And the snow was soft. He shouldn't really stay here for long, but a while can't hurt, can it? Just few minutes...

“Enough!” he heard, followed by a cry of pain and the strange weakness disappeared immediately. He lifted his head, that had its normal weight again, just in time to see Thor grabbing Loki's arm and yanking her to her feet. That's gotta leave the mark, Tony thought, with painful and almost surreal clarity.

“What... the hell?” he mumbled, scrambling to his feet. Thor sent him sympathetic look.

“She tried to hypnotize you. That's what she did to Natasha,” explained Thunderer and Tony recalled those big green eyes and everything they made him feel. He looked down on the vortex of snow at his feet. Shit... If he felt asleep here... There's no way his friends could find him in time, there was almost no traces that could lead them. He would die, freeze to death or suffocate on the snow. He looked at Loki but seeing her hunched and trying to get away from Thor, once again defeated and so pitifully overpowered, he felt his anger dissipating.

“Let's get back inside,” he said, choosing to ignore the heap of conflicting things he really wanted to say. Thunderer nodded and pulled Loki closer to his chest, completely ignoring her protests then swung his hammer and darted off. Tony soon followed.

They were all waiting for them. Natasha was awake but still confused, sitting on Loki's bed with Bruce at her side and Steve leaning against the opposite door with arms crossed against his chest. Tony exited his armor and looked at the woman at his side. He was surprised at how easily he got fooled earlier. For it was Loki, there was no doubt about it now. Her features were exactly the same as her male form, maybe a tiny bit softer. But she looked totally different without that manic grin and madness burning in her eyes. Still, she was Loki. And to be honest? Tony couldn't shake the feeling that if she decided to use her charm instead of force, she would have at least half of human population kneeling before her in no time.

When Thor let her go, she scurried away, grabbing the arm he was squeezing a moment ago. Then she looked around and an ugly grin twisted her face. Oh, yeah, that was the Loki they all knew and loved.

“So there you are, Earth's mightiest heroes,” she started with a low, spiteful voice. “Gathered around to torment defenseless woman. Truly, your most heroic deed. Make sure they write songs about that.”

“Loki...” Steve tried to pacify her, but she snapped her head and looked at him with such a burning hatred that could melt the steel beam.

“Look at me, Captain! I lost everything. I fell to this miserable cesspool of a Realm, and all I wanted was to live my life the best I could. Not harming anyone! And then you came, to take what little I managed to build for myself. Is that noble deed to you? Will your thirst for vengeance ever quench? Or won't you stop until you see the last drop of blood seeping from my body, until you fucking drink it?!”

“We're not going to hurt you, Loki!”

“Then what the hell do you want?!”

“To help you.”

“Uh, yeah, I believe I already said that.” slipped Tony. “Feels like I've been talking to the wall.” This was getting annoying, really. And offensive.

Loki only gave him a quick glance before turning back to Steve. Her face seemed blank now, but close enough Tony could see the emotions seething just below the surface.

“Lie needs to be believable to work, Stark,” she said dryly.

“I'm not lying!”

“And yet when you realized who I am, your hatred hit me almost like your beam of light.”

“Well... it wasn't me!”

The woman looked at him with a mix of aversion and distaste.

“Stark...” she started, but he didn't let her finish.

“It was my... mini me.” Her expression changed to that of an utter incomprehension but before she had the chance to collect herself, he continued: “Look, I'm an animal, everyone knows that. I saw an utterly gorgeous woman I wanted to do unspeakable things with and then I found out she's a man. And yeah, I knew that nothing's gonna happen between us, but still... I felt cheated. Betrayed. It's not you, it's me. I'm an asshole.”

Loki snorted.

“There's not much of a man left in me now, Stark. My body's... well, it seems like it's adjusting to my current state.” With this words she wrapped her hands around her belly.

“Yeah, well... I'm not that much into you now that I know who you are...”

“So that's true?” asked Steve, preventing Tony from embarrassing himself any further. “You are pregnant?”

She didn't answer at first, but when she spoke, her voice sounded weak and defeated.

“It appears so.”

“Ok. Ok. Well...” Cap lifted his hand and ran it over his face. Even though they somehow knew it before, hearing it from her seemed... definitive. And clearly, they were still pathetically unprepared for that. How does one even prepare for something like that? If there was any silver lining in it, it was the fact that each one of them was equally lost. And still none of them was as fucked as Loki. Well, not... like that. But yeah, in a way... Yeah, thoughts like that made Tony glad he sometimes kept his mouth shut. “It's all right. We'll... we'll have to take you from here. Take you to the healer. Make sure you and your child are both all right.”

Loki slumped to the bench and sunk her head, trying her hardest to hid it from their view, but from his point Tony could see her lips trembling.

“What for?” she asked, voice barely contained.

“Pardon?”

“Why do you bother? I'm no threat to anyone, I won't be for years to come. Why can't you just let me be?!”

“You are threat to yourself.” Steve's voice sounded stern, almost too harsh if only it wasn't trembling so much. “And your child. This is not the place for raising him.”

“Dungeon is not a place for raising him either!”

“There are other options. We'll... figure something out, ok? But first let's take you to safety.”

“What do you care about my safety?!”

“You need help,” stated Steve. It was the simplest thing in the world yet Loki went silent for a moment, lost in a thoughts like she was trying to decipher an ancient language or find a second meaning where there was none. When she finally spoke her voice was steady again, silent, almost threating.

“You call yourself the Avengers. In memory of the people I killed. That doesn't speak much of your good will.”

“Yeah, we picked this name in a heat of a moment,” slipped Tony. That was true. Back then, they had nothing but anger, hurt, thirst for vengeance. Now it waned. They had new purposes, new work to do, new fights to fight. And vengeance? Brought upon this broken husk of a man – woman? What good would it do? It wouldn't bring their friends back. Wouldn't undo the damages. Wouldn't change anything. They could really think about picking a new name, except this one kinda stuck and now it was everywhere and it was generally too late. Still, it was just a word. “You shouldn't really pay attention to it.”

“We're more interested in helping people and keeping them safe,” said Steve, putting to words what Tony couldn't. “Everyone. Even villains. Or their unborn children.”

Loki's face darkened, her lips twitched and a lone tear rolled down her cheek. Tony jerked, wanting to comfort her, but stopped halfway through. She wouldn't want it, he thought and clenched his fists to stop them from trembling. He would never expect it, but actually seeing Loki like that was... hard. 

“I was trying to protect him,” she whispered.

“I know. But it's... not that easy. Look, would you mind... telling us what happened? Did someone hurt you?”

Loki slumped a bit more and went silent for a moment. When she spoke, her voice was distant.

“I don't know his name. He was one of the guards in a prison where I was kept. The only person that ever came to me.”

“Our mother came to you,” protested Thor. Loki didn't even look at him.

“Ah, but only as a spirit. There were many spirits in my cell at the time... Most of them long dead.”

Tony looked at Thor. There was still a part of him that wanted to jump at the Asgardian screaming: “Told you so!” but even he wasn't heartless enough to actually do it. Besides, he didn't want to be right. Not then, not now. Not about... anything he found out tonight. Why was he always right again?!

“You should kill me when I came to your realm.” Loki's face went dark as she said that, frozen in dark determination and for a brief moment Tony wondered if that wasn't exactly what she wanted.

“We're not murderers.” Steve sounded stern and surprisingly sincere, even though everyone of them had killed before. But not like this: in fight, yes, but not afterward, when the enemy was defeated, wounded and defenseless.

Loki barked a joyless laugh.

“Why, you think sparing me was merciful? To let me be sentenced and killed by a man I used to call father? Or, best case, locked up in the dark until I either succumb to insanity or take my own life? I would do that.” She lifted her head and looked at him and Tony saw Steve shuddering under that gaze. “I was laying one day, looking at a wall of light: my guard and my only way to escape. If I jumped with enough force, it would burn me in a blink. I wouldn't even feel anything. No more pain. No more suffering. Just one more step and it would be all over...”

“Loki, stop.” Thor's voice was one of the ones that could calm a storm, but his face was pale and his body was shaking. He looked like he wasn't sure if he wanted to hug his sibling or beat the crap out of her. Upon seeing this Loki just smiled venomously and licked her lips.

“Why, I thought you would like it,” she taunted. “Having your little vengeance...”

“Why didn't you do it?” cut in Steve. Loki's smile waned.

“Because I sensed that it wouldn't be just my life that I ended. Turns out, that piece of horse dropping accidentally managed to give me something worth living for. Something pure. Better than Odin's lies or Thanos' orders. And I knew I had to protect it. Take it from Asgard, as far as possible. Luckily, soon after that Thor came to me with his thinly veiled pleas and shallow threats. Then it was only a matter of picking the right moment and taking advantage.”

“How did you do it?” asked Thor. Loki just shrugged.

“I used one of the elves as a decoy. Hypnotized him and covered with illusions, then sent to do the deed while I escaped. When you caressed his dying body I was already far away.”

“You could just run away,” said Thor with a strain, eyes locked on Loki who looked like she couldn't be bothered to return his gaze. “Leave me to deal with that... thing.”

The goddess snorted before replying.

“And face Malekith myself? No, Thor, the world still needed saving and I'm not a bloody hero. But trust me, if there was another way I would gladly watch it pummel you to a pulp.”

She's lying, Tony realized. He didn't even knew why, he just felt that deep inside that little shit still cared for her dumb, abusive brother. She could hate him with burning passion and torment him for all eternity, but she wouldn't let him die.

“You've been living here since then?” Steve decided to step in before the brotherly quarrel could escalate. Tony wondered if he felt that too. And if Loki wanted them to feel that. She was a goddess of lies, after all.

“Trust me, Captain, it is not my choice.” Loki replied dryly. “I used the first path I found on Svartalfheim and it dropped me here. After that, the paths were changed and I didn't dare venturing far to seek them out.”

“Needlessly,” slipped Tony. “Thor insisted to keep your involvement in alien invasion from public. Only we and members of SHIELD know the full story.”

“So, what are you gonna do now?” Steve decided to ignore Tony's input.

“Now? It's not like I have much choice, do I?” Loki bowed her head again and bit her lip. She went silent for a moment, but when Steve opened his mouth to say something, she asked unexpectedly: “Tell me, Captain, do you truly consider yourself a noble man?”

What a weird question. They were all noble people. And yet when she asked, the whole room went still. Steve apparently picked up the solemn mood because when he answered it sounded almost like a vow.

“Yes, Loki, I like to think so.”

“And do you think it's a noble deed to punish child for the sins of their parent?”

“No.”

“Then I beseech you.“ She lifted her head and looked straight at him. “Do as you please with me, but spare my child. Just let me carry him to full term and then...” Her speech was hindered by a pathetic sob. “Find him a good home...”

With that she broke completely and slumped again, hiding her face in her hands. Her whole body was shaking and though she didn't make another sound, it was clear she was crying.

“Loki...” Steve came closer and knelt next to her then gently lifted her chin. Her face was wet with tears now, lips trembling and eyes hollow.

“No harm will come to you or you baby,” came the booming voice from their side. “You have my word.”

“Thor, buddy,” started Steve with a tension in his voice. “No offense, but I think there's a reason she's asking me and not you.”

Thor looked offended anyway, but before he could protest, Loki spoke again.

“He can't be taken to Asgard,” she pleaded. “They'll make him suffer.”

Thor wanted to say something but Tony send him a warning glance and Thunderer shut his mouth so hard his teeth clanged. Tony briefly wondered if he actually broke some and if so, if he's capable of re-growing them, before returning to more pressing matter.

“No one will take you child from you,” promised Steve.

“I don't want him to grow up in a dungeon,” she protested, looking him in the eyes.

Steve sighted, then said what they were all thinking.

“You're not going back to the dungeon.”

Loki looked at him like she didn't fully understand.

“Why not?” she asked after a while.

“I don't know what are the rules in Asgard but here on Earth we only keep people in prisons to prevent them from doing harm to others. And no offense, but now you don't seem capable of doing harm to anyone but yourself. And your child.”

“I was trying to protect him,” she whispered, tears rolling again down her cheeks.

“I know. It's just... in your state, most dangers comes from within.”

“Only if you exclude all the people who want me dead.”

“No one wants you dead.”

Loki scoffed. Her head fell again and hands clenched into fists. When she spoke, her voice sounded distant but tense at the same time, like she just recalled something she didn't want to, but had to mention.

“If Odin finds out about this disgrace, there won't be a force in the Nine Realms that would stop him from having us both dismembered.”

“We're gonna stop him,” promised Tony.

“Don't be ridiculous.” She stared blankly at the floor, corners of her mouth sunk, lips trembling. “He'll send his whole army if he has to.”

“Well, he can try.”

Loki snapped her head and looked at Tony with an unexpected hostility. He felt the exasperation rising again. What was this asshole's problem now?!

“And what for?” Her voice sounded like venom and Tony felt the urge to just strangle her. They were trying to help, for fuck's sake! Couldn't she just accept it and be grateful?! At least a little? Or at least shut up and shove her doubts away, preferably up her ass?! “What's in there for you?”

“Does there have to be anything in it for us?” he asked, fighting his darkest urges. “Maybe we are just good people that like to help others?”

“People are usually good when they want something. Now I wonder, what do you expect to get from me that would make defying Odin worth it?”

He was opening his mouth to respond, but Bruce snapped first.

“Why are you acting like that?” scientist asked rising to his feet. “We're trying to help you and you are treating us like some fucking monsters?”

“Oh, no, you're not monsters,” she snarled in response, barring her teeth. “You're mighty heroes...”

“And since when is that an insult?!”

“Since the only thing people like you ever did to me was to make my life miserable. Why change now?”

“And hasn't it occurred to you that we wouldn't do that if you weren't acting like a shitbag all the time?”

“I was a good prince, Banner!” she screamed, standing up sharply and pushing Steve away. “A good brother and a good son. And for what?! It was all good when I did as I was told, followed the orders and never wanted anything for myself! Like a good little thrall they all saw in me! But as soon as I tried to stood up for myself...”

“You tried to kill your brother and destroy two separate worlds!”

“So what?!” Loki lifted her arms as if genuinely puzzled. A bitter half-smile twisted her lips, oddly contrasting with still wet cheeks. “How do you think Odin got to rule the Realms? Did you think that all people gratefully welcomed his benevolent rule? Accepted their new-come slavery? Then ask the people of Vanaheim Thor was so merrily enslaving in the last years! Or light elves who abandoned their cities and escaped to the forest to avoid crushing taxes! Or better yet, go to Svartalfheim and see what's left of those who refused to kneel before him.”

“Dark elves were evil, Loki, you saw for yourself,” spoke Thor.

“I saw the remnants of their race, looking to avenge their own ruined home, Thor. We know nothing of what they were before, other than what Odin told us and he told what suited him. Not for the first time.”

“You called him a liar?!” Thunderer stepped forward, always ready to defend his family honor, but Loki barely looked at him.

“He lied to me about my own heritage, why do you think he spoke the truth about anything else?” she spat bitterly then turned back to Bruce. “No, doctor Banner, the only thing Odin can truly accuse me of, without being the bloody hypocrite he is, is that I lost my battles. And brought shame to this cosmic joke he called family.”

Bruce gave out an exasperated sigh and crossed his arms. He seemed to be calming down though, in clear contrast to Loki who looked like she was just getting started.

“You truly believe this?” Bruce asked.

“What do my beliefs matter?”

“They... may explain a lot. They're wrong, but they explain a lot. I mean, I can't speak about Odin and what values he passed on to you, but there's more to life than being conquered or the conqueror. You still need to be a good person.”

“Winners are always good.”

“That's... so not true!” whined Tony. She sent him a quick glance before turning to Bruce again.

“History needs to be told and those who tell have the right to decide what to exaggerate and what to omit.” she said mockingly. “That's how heroes are born.” 

“That's not true,” repeated Bruce.

“Explain me this, then. How is it possible, to be called prince one day and the denounced as monster the next? Why I, for bending the truth in order to save my life, had my tongue ripped off and my mouth sewn shut while Odin could freely lie to me and abuse me for my whole life and still be hailed as the benevolent All-Father?”

Wait, what?! Tony read some of the Norse Myths, but Thor always assured him that they were full of crap. Now it turned out THAT part was true?! He was starting to hate Asgard.

“He was trying to protect you,” slipped Thor. Tony almost shoot him before realizing that he was probably talking about the lying part, not lips-sewing. Still shitty though.

“He was protecting himself!” goddess shouted at Thor but quickly reverted to Bruce. Clearly determined, but failing miserably, to ignore her brother's input. “And why were we told the stories of benevolent king while people of Vanaheim, Alfheim and Nidavellir see him as naught but tyrant?”

“Watch your tongue!”

“Open your eyes, Odinson!” She turned to her brother with face twisted with hatred. “Did you ever speak to the people you defeated at Vanaheim? Did you ask why they rebelled? I'll tell you why. Few years back their land was cursed by bad weather. The yield was poor but the taxes needed to be paid. They had to watch the carts filled with produce being hauled to Asgard while their families starved. When Bifröst broke and the carts didn't came back, they rejoiced. They thought their centuries of servitude were over. But then Asgardians retrned, demanding all that was due.”

“The court needs food too, Loki, we faced hunger ourselves when Bifröst was broken...”

“The court lives in abundance when people of lesser Realms suffer.”

“And they could take it to the king, they didn't have to reach for weapons...”

“The king of Vanaheim is a cowardly prick whose only concern is to please Odin. He doesn't care for his people... And neither does All-Father.”

“And neither would you if you weren't locked with them in the first place!”

Loki leaned back then blinked a few times like she wasn't expecting someone defying her this time. She stood still for a while, looking curiously at Thor before admitting reluctantly:

“That's true. But I never claimed to be better than your bunch. Merely not worse. And don't deny me, Thor. You defied your father's orders as soon as they stopped suiting you.”

It was a time for Thor to stop and think, but finally the stubborn look on his face melted into reluctant reconciliation.

“I guess you're right,” he admitted. “Maybe Odin really isn't the best ruler...”

“A-and that's why we got rid of monarchies on Earth.” Tony sighed and rolled his eyes. Everybody looked at him. “What? Do you have better reason?”

“Still, you don't have to be like your father,” interjected Bruce. “If you see his injustice you should do everything to fix it rather than carry it on.”

“I see injustice and I see those who commit it having everything I could only dream of. What am I supposed to make of that?”

Bruce sighed. She had a point, Tony thought. But it gave him a bit of hope. The more he knew about Loki, the more he felt like the mask of madness and cruelty was only there to hid pain, disillusionment and betrayal. All terrible feelings, for sure, but also ones that could be worked on. Pain could be healed. Trust – restored. After all, despite growing in the same place, Thor turned up to be a pretty decent person. Maybe with a bit of work Loki could become one too?

“Still, you said you found something better to live for now,” Bruce said, apparently giving up on this line of conversation for now. 

“Aye.” Loki sat back and wrapped her arms around her stomach. “I forewent the thoughts of vengeance and conquer. All I want now is to keep my child safe.”

“Yeah. I think we can work with that. I mean... I'm not sure I like the way it happened, but I'm glad you found your true call.”

She didn't answer straight away, but stare ahead with a blank eyes and lifeless face for a while. Suddenly Tony felt that she's gonna fuck something up. Just when they thought they got to her. Aaany moment now...

“I thought you would like it,” she said finally with barely audible mix of bitterness and contempt. “Your greatest foe, defeated so thoroughly and not by a weapon, but by a hole between his legs.”

Steve frowned.

“Don't be crass,” he asked softly, but Loki didn't just snorted.

“And why not? For all of my life I spoke properly, careful not to offend the sensibilities of this or other dignitary. And what did that get me?”

“Nobody asked you to,” blurted Thor. “You cared too much.”

Loki darted up with a new found fire in her eyes and sent her brother a look of pure hatred.

“Oh, it's enough that you don't care about anything!” she spat. “Woe be to the Nine Realms when you finally ascend your throne...”

“I won't,” he cut her short. She looked at him as if not sure what she heard.

“What?!”

“I gave up my rights to the throne,” explained Thunderer. Interestingly, when he told the team about his decision he sounded resolved and proud. But now, under Loki's disapproving gaze he stammered like a school-kid caught without a homework. “I decided I won't be a good king so I prefer to live my life as a good man instead.”

Loki went silent for a moment, just staring at Thor as if trying to figure out if her brother was serious. When she finally spoke, her voice sounded like an acid dripping to a metal plate.

“And while planning your life as a good man has it ever occurred to you what will happen to Asgard after Odin's death?”

“What do you mean?” asked Thor seriously taken aback.

“Well, despite what your pets may think, we're not really immortal and Odin is an old man. Best case scenario, he will appoint some general to take his place and with a bit of luck Asgardians won't turn against him as soon as Odin's ashes rise to the stars. But even then, the other races probably won't be so generous. Soon the rebellions will start and realms will drown in blood. All because the son of Odin is too good to take his father's mantle. Did you ever think of that? No, of course not. You're not a good man, Thor, you're just a spoiled brat who couldn't be bothered to take the only responsibility he had in his life!”

She screamed the last words, rising up from her bench and clenching her fists. Thor seemed startled for a moment, but then the look of exasperation took over his face as he crossed his arms and lsent her a stubborn stare.

“Then you take it,” he spat. “It's as much your legacy than it is mine.”

Loki's face softened and took on that neutral look that could mean anything or nothing at all. Then she sat back down, with a movement so graceful and natural that it almost seemed like she wasn't in a middle of a screaming match with her brother.

“Go to Hell and rut a goat,” she said flatly. Not it was Thor's turn to look at his sibling disbelievingly. 

“What?!”

“I'm done picking scraps from your table, Odinson. And why would I bother? They've done nothing for me, they can all burn for all I care.”

“Wait, wasn't wanting to be a king your whole thing?” asked Tony, completely at loss. It was getting tiring, really. As soon as he thought he was beginning to understand, Loki turned everything he knew upside down. Pleading at one moment, screaming at another, crying at word's injustice but refusing to take part in anything, scared but aggressive, hurt but vicious. They will have to have to ask that Asgardian healer for some mood stabilizing pills, because if this asshole's gonna act like that forever, they will all go crazy.

“What gave you that idea?” Goddess asked calmly, not even looking at him or any of them. She sat still with her back unnaturally straight and palms together on her laps, almost like a queen greeting her subjects from a high throne. Tony never felt more like punching her in the face.

“Um, you did?” he said trying to sound calm. “When you came here last time?”

“Oh did I?”

“Why did you attack us then?” broke in Steve, trying to sound stern but came out as confused as any of them felt. Loki snarled again then looked at him with malicious mirth.

“I don't know, maybe I just wanted to see the world burn? Or I don't like your kind?” she taunted. “You deserved it for all the filthy lies your ancestors spread about me. It would do you good to finally meet someone as wicked as you.”

“You know, you make me really want to lay you on my lap and spank your ass?” asked Tony, realizing too late that the mental image may not be exactly what he thought it would.

“You should kill me when I came here if you didn't like my act.”

Tony closed his eyes and started counting to ten. He felt like it was the only way to prevent himself from jumping at Loki and just strangling her. Yeah, he knew: she was hurt and traumatized and still probably expecting the worst from them. But she was also a little brat that didn't seem to – or, more likely, choose not to – comprehend what she was being told.

But then a new thought appeared in his head. Well, not exactly new, it was something he was thinking about for... the last few months, actually. And now he had the chance to get some answers.

“And what if we lost? How would that work for you?” he asked and only after the words left his mouth he realized how much he wanted Loki's response to be laughing maniacally, then starting to boast how she'd bring the world to its knees and rule it forever as it's only god. But Loki didn't do any of that. She sat silently for a while, with face blank again, then open her mouth, but no words came out. Another tear rolled down her cheek and Tony felt a cold shiver creeping up his spine.

“What are you talking about?” asked Steve. Tony lifted his head to realize that all of the Avengers were looking at him in surprise. Only Natasha seemed unfazed: she must've recalled the conversation they had that put that particular thought in his mind.

“Well, some time ago me and Nat spoke about the invasion,” Tony started, crossing his arms against his chest. He recalled this conversation, held over a disassembled Chitauri jet, in every excruciating detail. “We were wondering, why Loki didn't put any guard around the portal? Quite the opposite, he left it with the only person in the world with the technical know-how necessary to close it. Oh, and also the only tool to do the job. Dropped accidentally, of course. Then I ran some simulations and realized that what I previously thought as just flying around and wrecking shit was in fact a perfectly coordinated action... to put the troops as far away from the Tower as possible. Opening the way for whoever was willing to get there, to do whatever he pleased. I even called doctor Selvig and sure enough, the person who put the idea of closing the portal into his mind... was Loki himself. I called some pals at Department of De fence, turns out they also had some doubts about Loki's strategy during the invasion. As one general put it, his plan was either idiotic... or plain sabotage.” He looked at Loki, who sat hunched, arms wrapped around herself and head down, carefully avoiding his gaze. “And you're not an idiot, Loki, are you? You're just manipulative little shit who doesn't even know which side he's on!”

“And what was I supposed to do, take that army down myself?!” she snapped, suddenly looking at him. Everyone else in the room just stared at them two with utter shock, unable to move or speak, but Tony barely noticed them, fixed completely on Loki. She wasn't crying now, as he thought before, but her face took this look of dark determination he's seen before, but only now did he realize what it meant.

“You could ask for help,” he responded sharper that he intended. “Like a normal person.”

“You wouldn't help me.” The woman turned her head away and bit her lip.

“How do you know? Because we wouldn't lift a finger for someone like you?! How can you know that? Who gave you the right to judge us like that?!”

“Because you weren't ready!” New fire sparked in those emerald eyes as she looked back at him. He didn't answer, not sure what to say, so after a few seconds of silence she licked her lips and continued, now calmer: “You and Captain, jumping at each other's throats. Banner, terrified by his own powers. And my brother, not even knowing which side he's on. If you were faced with a real enemy, they'd take you down, one by one. You needed... motivation. Something to make you forget your petty differences and stand together. A common threat – but not a real danger. And I delivered.”

“At the price of your own life?” asked Nat. Loki just smiled bitterly.

“My life doesn't matter to anyone. Even me. It already ended when I first fell from Bifröst.”

“It mattered to our mother,” blurted Thor. Good thing he was leaning against the wall, because he looked like otherwise his legs wouldn't support him. No surprise, the revelation must've shaken him the most. Seemed like he still wasn't sure what to make of it.

But at the same time it spoke tons about their relationship, that the person who saw through Loki's bullshit turned out to be someone who barely knew her, rather than someone who called himself her brother. Or anyone from their family, really. How was it even possible that at no point during her trial or imprisonment or even a brief reconciliation during the fight against Malekith a question of her motives never came out? Did no one gave a shit what she thought about this whole ordeal? Because if she was put on trial on Earth there's no way she could hide a single thought from the jury. Apparently, her so-called father wasn't so inquiring. Tony started to think that the old man was really more interested in sweeping this thing under the rug than bringing justice.

“Maybe.” Loki turned her head away to avoid his gaze. “You know, I don't even know if she's really dead. Deep inside me there's still a thought... a hope... That it may just be another one of Odin's lies. Maybe he found out about our chats and forbade them for good, making up the story of her death to prevent me from trying to reach her. Maybe it was all a ruse to break me and make me serve you once again...”

“He didn't lie,” protested Thor. “Our mother gave her life to protect lady Jane from Malekith.”

“And you may be lying too.” She didn't even look at him, but her voice broke. “You are his son, after all. And I certainly hope you are, because taking the last person I had on this wretched world so you could enjoy a few decades with this mortal wench is too cruel, even for you.”

Holy shit, thought Tony. He always believed he had family issues, but this?! Holy fuck. Hoping you father lies to you about your mother's death to trick you into doing his biding? That was so fucked up in so many ways, that if someone asked him to pass this forward, he wouldn't even know where to start. Not even mentioning their readiness to sentence him for a crime he didn't commit. Well, technically, he did, but still. Fucked up. And that last part? Yeah, Thor, you could've skip that part about protecting your lady, Loki really didn't need to hear that now. Jesus fucking Christ.

“There must've been another way,” Steve broke in. He still looked shocked and more than just a bit pale, but it seemed like he was starting to collect himself. Enough to know when one need to prevent fratricide. “One that didn't include so many people dying.”

“Maybe.” Loki sighed again. “I wasn't at my best when I came to your Realm. Since then, I spent every day thinking about the things I could have done differently... But in the end, it doesn't matter, does it? Your people are dead, I am cursed and nothing can change that.”

“What do they want from Earth?” asked Nat. She seemed the most adamant of them, Tony wasn't sure if that was because she already knew – well, suspected – or she could just control her emotions so well. Loki sent her a spooked look and licked her lips.

“They didn't want Earth.” Her head sunk now, as if she was afraid to look at any of them. She went silent for a while and no one dared to speak before she finished. When she did, her voice sounded rasp. “They wanted Asgard.”

“So how...” started Cap, but Loki didn't let him finish, trying her damnest to sound stern, despite stammering.

“It was my idea. I couldn't... I couldn't do it... Asgard is... the closest thing I had to a home. And I could never... let it be destroyed.”

She stopped, unable to speak anymore. Her whole body was shaking and she hunched so much that her head almost disappear between her arms. It seemed almost cruel to keep interrogating her, but they needed answers. At least a few more.

“Isn't Asgard the land of warriors?” asked Steve frowning. She smiled bitterly in response and shook her head.

“They are all big-headed half-wits. They think themselves too good for a ranged combat. And if I brought the Chitauri to Asgard, they would mow Einherjar down like a wheat, before they could draw their axes. You on the other hand... Are destructive. You have tanks and planes and guns and bombs. And yes, I've seen what you've done with the Tesseract, I know what you're capable of. And I knew... that if there's one race in the Nine Realms that could withstand that menace... It is you.”

Hearing her speak, bitterly at first but with growing mockery as she went on to talk about their race, Tony started to feel sick. This was the legacy he was fighting for the past few years. Despite helping to build it since he was old enough to have part in his family business. “You are destructive,” said person, who came to their world to bring only chaos and destruction. Was that to be their legacy in the Universe? Not the things they created... but their capability of destruction? God damn it.

“What is their ultimate plan?” asked Natasha, still impassive with a face completely blank. “Because I have the feeling that they wouldn't stop at Asgard.”

“No, it was just a beginning. Their leader, Thanos, won't stop until the whole universe is destroyed.”

“Why?”

“I don't know, he's mad! Enamored with Death herself...”

“Why did you even ally yourself with someone like that?” snapped Thor taking a step forth. His face showed a mix of grief and anger and Tony wasn't sure if he was going to hug Loki or struck her. Fortunately, he didn't make another move.

“You think I had any choice?” shrieked goddess in response, hunching even more as if struck by the same doubts that plagued Tony and slightly rising her hands.

“They forced you?” pushed Steve.

“They tortured me.” She paused for a while and shook her head. Her face took on that determined look again and her eyes went dark as she recalled the painful moments. “Broke my bones, ripped my skin off, and send the beasts to feast on my living flesh. And after that...” She smiled bitterly and Tony felt his stomach turning. “They used that lovely scepter you took from me... to make me relive this... Over and over again. With no end. Until I gave in.”

“Why didn't you tell anything?” asked Steve rapidly, as if afraid that she's gonna continue with the recollection. Tony couldn't blame him, even though he was feeling too sick to say anything. He almost regretted bringing this up. Seeing Loki as a villain suddenly seemed so much easier.

“You wouldn't listen.” Goddess shook her head, not looking at any of them.

Tony opened his mouth to protest, ignoring the fact that all of his friends did the same, but before any of them could speak, Loki continued:

“Besides, they were watching me through that scepter. If they caught anything that didn't meet they liking... any deed, a word, a thought even... They would reach me. And don't think it was just cowardice on my side! They would pull me back and torture until my mind collapsed. And then they'd send me back here, now without a single thought of my own. I had to... I had to do smoething... While I still could.”

“Why didn't they just control you?”

“They couldn't. The connection wanes over distance, they wouldn't be able to keep it across galaxies. All they could do was to watch... or strike.”

“But that connection,” started Bruce, looking at her enquiringly. “Was broken, eventually?”

“Yes, when...” She waved her hand and smiled joylessly. “You shook it out of me.”

“Why didn't you speak then?”

“Because then you put me in a muzzle and sent to Asgard for them to finish what you had no guts to.”

Upon hearing this Thor darted forth and before anyone could stop him he grabbed Loki by the shoulders and almost lifted her from the ground.

“Our father called you before him in hopes of hearing even one word to justify your act,” he said sternly. Only this close Tony could see that Thunderer had tears in his eyes. 

“Your father!” spat Loki but before Thor could object, she continued bitterly: “Has condemned me long before I entered his hall. Nothing I'd say could change his mind!”

“You're deluded,” replied Thor. “Hatred blinds you.”

“No, Thor, I see clearly. For the first time in my life, perhaps.”

“And what do you see?”

“That our family is one big cosmic joke. And I'm the punchline.”

“No,” Thor shouted, letting her go and pushing away, making her almost fell on the bench. “It's not true! We were a family.”

“Lies!”

“You were a brother to me and you were loved!”

Then something snapped in Loki. She clenched her fists and barred her teeth. And then something weird happened and in a moment her whole eyes turned red. Tony watched mesmerized as the skin around them started to turn blue and rough, almost like a side of a glacier.

“Can you say that now, Thor?” she whispered venomously, but her voice sounded different, deeper and more rasp, and it burned like venom. “Look at me and say that again! I said look at me!”

Now it was Loki's turn to jump towards Thor and grab his arms and Tony realized, with a dread, that Thunderer wasn't looking at his sibling. He bowed his head and turned his gaze away and his hands were raised, almost like a barrier between them.

“Change back,” he said softly and Tony was filled with dread. This felt wrong, so very wrong and he wasn't even sure why. What was happening? What was Loki doing? “This is not you.”

“This is me!” Goddess screamed hysterically, her skin now completely blue with darker lines curling on her neck and cheeks, dark red eyes with no trace of whites and hair replaced by a row of horns. “No more lies to conceal my true shape. And you can't even bear looking at me.” She said the last sentence like all energy suddenly fled her. She left her brother go and slumped, then put a hand over her face. The spell affecting her look started to recede. “But that's all right, Thor. I can't look at myself either.”

The uncomfortable silence befell them. Both Asgardians were standing just one step from each other, but somehow it felt like they were separated by an impenetrable barrier. And Tony wasn't even sure which one of them looked more defeated, bodies slumped in almost identical positions and eyes fixed on the floor and far away from each other.

“Um, a little explanation here?” he asked when the silence became unbearable. “Why does your skin color matter so much?”

“It's more than a skin color,” started Loki wearily after a few moments of dragging silence. She seemed hesitant to say any more but decided to finish anyway. “I'm a Jötunn.”

She went silent after that, as if that was supposed to explain everything.

“So?” asked Tony again when it became clear that she wasn't going to elaborate. “What is Jötunn?”

“A monster.” She lifted her head and looked at him. She tried to sound sarcastic, but there was more bitterness in her voice than anything. “Mindless beast capable only of bringing death and destruction. Kidnapping women who stall the marriage and children who refuse to eat their porridge.”

“That sounds... like a terrible prejudice.”

Loki sighed. She shook her head, but then decided to start again, now more calmer and more factual. Well, for a while at least.

“Thousand years ago Jötnar tried to make their own empire to rival Odin's but they were beaten and drove back to their land. Their armies were decimated and their own kingdom brought to ruin. On his way back, Odin decided to take a souvenir. A little pet to show everyone what a great commander he was: capable of taming even the fierce Jötunn. Except instead of diamond collar he kept me in check with empty promises and useless sentiments. Everyone, just look at it! It walks, it talks. It thinks itself a real person!”

“You are a person, Loki,” blurted Thor, but his gaze was still fixed on the floor.

“Is that so?” Loki shouted again, turning to her brother with a face twisted with hatred and fire burning in now green eyes. “Would your friend think that too? If I went to Asgard in my true shape, how many steps could I take before they jump at me like a pack of wild dogs and rip me apart limb by limb? And you! You always wanted a Jötunn head on your wall as a trophy. Now is your chance! Do it, you oaf! You brute!”

“Loki...”

“And don't tell me of love and family, you never had anything for me but contempt! You expected me to come to you? Bow my head, beg for help? For mercy? For being heard?! Go to Hell! Kill me if you want, I don't care! I won't beg anymore, I won't bow for your or Odin's tyranny. To me you are nothing but a bully!”

Upon hearing the last words, Thor straightened and moved towards her. Loki, who until now looked like an epitome of a fury, changed immediately, like she realized that she said too much. Her face became white as snow, eyes a moment ago burning with hatred now widened in fear. She lifted her hand, putting them between them like a shield. Tony tensed, ready to step in, but Thor made only one step.

“Is that what you truly think of me?” he asked, trying to sound calm. His face seemed blank and only the light in his eyes betrayed his true feeling. He was on a verge of tears.

“What do you care what I think?” Loki spat in response, barring her teeth. But despite the obviously feigned arrogance, she didn't look ready to fight. More like... someone who knew they're going to take a beating and couldn't do anything about it, other than refusing to give her tormentor the satisfaction of seeing her pleading.

It was nauseating. Tony wondered how was it possible that a man he called friend could do... whatever he did that provoked such reaction. Because it wasn't the first time, that was sure. Loki's reaction was too quick, too... automated. Thor always claimed to have loved Loki, but never elaborated at how exactly did his “loving” looked like. And now Tony regretted not asking about it earlier.

But at the same time... he wasn't really sure what to make of it. Because at the end of the day Thor was their friend, and Loki was, well, Loki. He knew Thor. He heard him talking fondly of his evil brother, even while literally stopping the bleeding the little shit has caused. He's seen him doing his best at helping whomever he could, almost fainting after chasing clouds for days to bring rain to drought-struck area or lifting boulders twice his size to free people buried alive by an avalanche. It was almost impossible to imagine him committing cruelties Loki accused him of. But on the other hand, Loki's reaction was too genuine. And it wasn't unheard of for people to have completely different attitude towards strangers and those close to them. And still, Loki was a little shit. He came to their world to kill and destroy. Hearing about Thor and Loki's glorious past often make all the Avengers uncomfortable or even doubting. They thought their friend was just desperate to show his brother as someone more than a monster. But in the end, who could say how their shared past really looked like?

He wanted to say something, but then he looked at Thor and saw the big man slumping, arms falling at his sides and head sunk. When he lifted it to look at his sibling, his eyes were full of tears.

“I'm sorry,” he rasped, but Loki stopped him.

“Thor, if you want to sell me another of your 'whatever you're mad for' apologies, I swear, I'll open your chest and rip your black, empty heart out,” she said calmly but sternly. Her fury seemed to be waning though, only her breath was still heavy and eyes burning but it was hard to say if it was anger or something else.

“No.” Thunderer raised his hand to stop her and then looked her in the eyes. “I'm sorry for not being the good brother to you. The brother you could trust. You are right... I was a bully. A mindless, selfish, arrogant brute. But I always loved you. I still do.”

He went silent but kept his eyes fixed on Loki. She didn't answer straight away. She was looking back at him, but her face was impenetrable mask now and when it did flinch, what appeared looked more like... agony?

“Why are you telling me this?” she asked finally. “Why do you bother? It's too late. It's all too broken... I'm too broken.”

“We can fix this,” said Thunderer quickly. “We can fix everything. If only you could... forgive me.”

Again she didn't answer and Tony felt like even the air in the room went still in anticipation. It felt like the fate of the world – or more likely, worlds – was about to get decided.

“I... I don't know,” she said finally and slumped.

Only then Tony dared to exhale. He didn't even realize that he was holding his breath. And now he felt... defeated. And very, very tired. It was too much for one day, even though it wasn't even his fight for most of the time. Because it felt like the fight, even worse. Hell, he would take fight with an army of aliens over something like this anytime! He just wanted so much for this night to be over.

“Well...” Natasha started then paused to clear her throat. “It's not a 'no'”.

“You two can work on your issues,” followed Steve. “You'll have plenty of time when we get back to New York. But Loki? I know you like playing victim. Just remember, you're not exactly innocent here.”

Right. New York. Suddenly Tony felt awaken again. Just few more steps and they'll be home. He picked up the helmet to check ETA for a quintjet.

“Our transport should be here in about a minute,” he exclaimed. Finally. They could pack up and get away from here, from this terrible place. He knew it wasn't end to their problems – a beginning, more likely – but now he really needed a bed. A good night of sleep. And he could deal with the rest tomorrow. Or the day after. Or make Pepper deal with it. Yeah, that sounded like a plan.

Meanwhile, since no one was watching he made some changes in a quintjet programming. They could use a break.

“Are we going to fly?” asked Loki frowning.

“Um, yeah, we have an ocean to cross,” confirmed Tony. “Why, you don't like flying?”

“Do you want to hear an amusing story?” she asked instead of replying. There was something in her tone that made him think that there wouldn't be anything amusing in this story.

“Not sure,” he said cautiously, but Loki didn't seem to listen.

“One day Thor took me far above the highest spires of our castle and dropped me to the ground. Broke every single bone in my body. And crushed most of my organs. It took almost a month before I could walk again. So yes, since then I think I'm not really fond of flying.”

“I was planning to catch you,” said Thunderer. His face was full of guilt and he bowed his head, unable to look at his sister. “I only wanted to give you a scare.”

Loki scoffed.

“The only way you could ever catch something is with your face,” she said dryly. “Why do you think Odin enchanted Mjölnir to come back to you?”

“I was hoping you would see a reason and lift that spell from our friend. It did nothing but humiliate him.”

“And he humiliated me in front of whole Asgard!”

“He was drunk.”

“And all I wanted was an apology. Was that unreasonable?”

“Thor,” started Tony. He wasn't sure when the glove of MARK XLIII wrapped itself around his palm, but he was grateful for it when he lifted his arm and aimed at the Thunderer. “Get out.”

His vision narrowed, he could only see Loki, hunched on a bench, with arms wrapped around herself and Thor, that fucking idiot, that... mindless brute. If he looked around, he might have noticed that Bruce was trembling, with only Natasha's hand on his shoulder preventing him from hulking out.

“Were you ever going to tell us about it?” asked Steve, looking at Thor. His voice sounded calm, almost emotionless, but they all knew him too well. He was furious.

“We grew up as brothers, of course we fought!” tried Thunderer, but Tony had enough of it.

“And you really can't see a difference between fighting and dropping someone from the sky?” he snapped. He was ready to shoot and only the slightest hunch that it would raise hell stopped him from actually doing it. His previous doubt were gone now. He knew they will be back, but at this moment, for the first time in hours, he was absolutely certain who the villain is.

“I think you better go to Asgard now,” said Steve sternly. He was looking at Thor, but his eyes were flicking to where Bruce was sitting, now rocking a bit and growling silently. But Thor didn't seem to listen, his eyes fixed on Loki.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Loki,” he said silently with a barely audible tension. “You know that, right?”

But Loki wasn't looking at him. She wasn't even looking at Bruce, her eyes were just staring blankly ahead. She swallowed heavily, then spoke.

“I know.” The words were quiet, almost whispered. “I just... don't care anymore.”

Thor was looking at her for a few more minutes, his face twisted with agonizing plead, before he turned to the door and left. A moment later they saw a multi-colored light coming from the windows. And suddenly Tony felt tired again, so very fucking tired. Will this day ever end? He needed a drink. Or five. He looked at Loki and noticed a gleam in her eyes that made him realize that this little shit probably planned it all along but he couldn't bring himself to care.

“Can we just get the fuck out of here already?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of fans portray Thor as good and loving brother, but you know what? I'm not buying it. In first Thor movie they all treated Loki like shit, including Thor and NO one stood for him. Not even once. Now, I do believe that being on Earth has changed Thor and he's not that mindless brute Loki learned to hate, but then again, they didn't really have a chance to reconcile. Maybe I'll fix that in my story :)


End file.
